"There is a feeling like the clenching of the fist. There is a hunger in the center of the chest."
All of James Taylor and his oil and honey imagery wind slowly down my aching frame, filling my joints with a hearth-like warmth, as simple and as satisfying as cream in my steaming mug.
Today is not like yesterday. And this year is not like the last. My heart feels older and scabbed from the abuses, self-inflicted and otherwise, and yet the distance between what I know and where I am pointing the helm of this ruddy schooner seems to grow every day. The grand canyon I hide inside my little heart, waiting for the ocean of light to fill it with some profound sense of purpose. All at once it's there and hugely detailed, like a vision, and then -- also like a vision -- I wake up to clenched fists and labored tears.
WHO AM I? This idea of a being a treasure is an irrelevant idea without some kind of monetary reward to cushion the harsh edge of my social position. Or is it? If for a few actions, emulating emotion and delivering in its belly some procreated kind of true love, birthed in an honest moment and (gasp!) spoken without words. It is the image of true love I felt yesterday when the profile of the mountain poured gold down my throat and tickled my spine with faintest chill of grandeur, augmented by the glint and smoky breath of frost. Because I am at play in the fields of the Lord! Two strong hands before me. Horses hooves inside my heart chambers. Words from an old script, burning like dry paper in the peat fire of my soul. Warm bread, broken open and pouring heat upwards to the gathering cloud of new thoughts.
Knowing what I know right now is ground that I've gained. It is a mended sail, and a steady, directional wind. It is meat and potatoes warming the pot. It is the hunger in the center of my chest. Being shaken forward and shaken free. Free -- if nothing else -- to know the warmth of the hearth and sigh a contented song of satisfaction. This song will sound like breathing.
(there it is.... I just felt it....o, and then I sang it......ah, and then I heard it!!!)
