The Void

What creates the void??

I was helping my son brush his teeth and he confessed to me what happened the night before when he and his sister were trying to pick a movie to watch before going to bed.

I guess his movie pick was vetoed by the older sister and Mommy, who were both going to participate in the watching. He protested, and then got upset. His Mommy had to put her foot down as his frantic imploring turned to tantrum. Finally, in screams and tears, he was bundled up and sent to bed without a movie, no snack, almost an hour before his scheduled bed time.

There is an emotion so real and raw in having your freedom of choice stripped of you. It is a force so volatile it can cause a reaction like flame to a streak of gasoline. It is that reaction that determines your behavior and your overall contribution to your community. It determines your rewards and your disciplines.

As I delved further into my son's side of the tale, I heard his hurt as he let me know what fueled his frustration, and his loss of security, his feeling of being utterly misunderstood, his innocent reaction -- and the final confirmation of this feeling -- confirmed with a whelming tide of empathy-lack, and further aggravated by anger and dictation. His tears began spilling again, down his cheeks, interrupting his story as he got caught up again in what he was feeling, again.

Interesting how simple misunderstanding can spark the kind of behavior that labels us "unapproachable", "angry", "selfish", "unreasonable". Behavior almost entirely instigated by someone else's lack of patience or agenda.

I saw the pattern beginning in my 5 year old.

Patterns still pumping through my own veins, as I daily become less and less desirable to the wife who kicked me out of the house, as my behavior becomes increasingly poor, as my hurt deepens. The cyclical spiral of this reality increases the temper of my fear, and the fear is the catalyst for the survival, which fights nasty to protect the heart. Which destroys whatever chance I ever had of getting what I want....

A void created out of nothing, but reaction to reaction. A void ever slipping into the unknown, never resolved, and never understood. A black hole, a vacuum.